This girl is more easily done than said...
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
