Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
