The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
