my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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