Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
