Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If that was your dad, he is hot
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
