i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
