i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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