Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
