I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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