I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Randomize
