um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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