my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
