i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
