Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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