Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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