well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The struggles of a small town man whore
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
