wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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