we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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