if i can run in heels then i can drive
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have aggressive nipples.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
