I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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