When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
