did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
