omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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