so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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