Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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