you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
