I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
