I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
