It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
