Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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