When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
