O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
