I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
