When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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