Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
