i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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