It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
