What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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