Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
This baby is an asshole
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
