you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
