nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
