the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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