I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
