But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
