Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize