you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
