SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
