I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
