Is it because I queefed?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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