my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
how does that bad decision feel?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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