There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
