Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize