My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
