I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
