My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
