im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
