my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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